


Refuse to Say

by ShipArmada (SarahSelene)



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-11-11 08:24:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11144598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SarahSelene/pseuds/ShipArmada
Summary: Chirrut has a new friend and Baze is avoiding them.





	Refuse to Say

**Author's Note:**

> Came from an anonymous prompt I got that went: "I was wondering if you could please write young spiritassassin where before they start dating Baze is slightly jealous at this one guy who's head over heels for Chirrut who has it out for Baze and though he respects and understands Chirrut and gives him space (because Baze is respectful and wants Chirrut to feel free to do whatever he likes) he can't help but feel sorta jealous and lonely because that's his light and his love and he doesn't want his love with some jerk because loosing him would hurt and man is he in love with his little shining light. Meanwhile Chirrut is so damn in love with Baze he’s like “other guy who? Doesn’t ring a bell. Anyway let me tell you about my not boyfriend but basically boyfriend (I think) Baze who is the most handsome and wonderful person there ever was.”" Which is a far better summary than I could ever write.

Chirrut remembered the day he had realized he was in love with Baze Malbus. They had been sparring and Baze had gotten the upper hand, pinning Chirrut to the mat with his whole weight. Chirrut would admit that it had not been _love_ he had felt in that moment, it was a more primal bodily urge, but it was the starting point to realizing the love. Chirrut had thrown a few matches after that, wanting to be pinned by Baze again. He had to stop when Baze assumed he was throwing the matches to make Baze feel better.

But Baze had shown no interest in Chirrut. Baze was a hard man to read, but Chirrut had always had a certain talent for it. Baze did love Chirrut, but it never manifested as anything except a platonic familial love. With a lot of meditation and introspection Chirrut had come to learn to accept this, to learn to be content. As long as Chirrut had Baze’s friendship, Chirrut could live with not having his heart.

Of course, after that was when Baze started acting very strange.

Chirrut noticed it after a sparring match he had with Teli, an acolyte three years Chirrut’s senior, but who had not yet passed his fourth duan unlike Chirrut and Baze both. Teli had come to Chirrut at dinner one night, face a scarlet red and worrying his lip with his teeth so much Chirrut worried he would start bleeding into Chirrut’s soup, asking if Chirrut would help him train. Chirrut had grinned up at Teli and agreed to it, making time the next day. Teli had somehow turned darker, but nodded and left before Chirrut could ask if he was feeling alright, Teli nodded and left.

What Chirrut had not seen was the way Baze glared at Teli, or the way he gripped his spoon tighter in his hand.

After Chirrut and Teli’s first lesson, Baze started avoiding Chirrut. Free times they usually spent together were now spent apart, Baze giving excuses such as wanting to go to the library and read up on the known history of Kyber, or that he wanted to practice his breathing techniques without Chirrut bothering him. The worst excuse of wall was that Baze was taking a vow of solitude and locked himself away for two days.

Every time Chirrut would try to explain that Baze’s absence was hurting Chirrut, Baze would dash away again.

All those thoughts and more were what Chirrut had been thinking on when a fist collided into his chest and knocked the wind out of him. “Chirrut!” Teli’s voice said as Chirrut doubled over, arm instinctively wrapping around his chest. “Chirrut, I’m sorry, I should not have hit you so hard!” The tall but lithe man moved close, touching Chirrut’s shoulder. “I had expected you to block, I am sorry.”

“Please, my friend,” Chirrut said once he caught his breath and he slowly stood up, rubbing the spot he had been hit. That would bruise. “It is my fault for getting distracted.” He gave Teli a bright smile to try to smooth any embarrassment the other teenager felt, letting out a long breath.

Teli paused, hands out as if to catch Chirrut. Chirrut’s smile softened and he moved away from Teli. “Perhaps we should stop for the day,” Teli suggested. His eyes followed Chirrut as he moved away, and Chirrut felt his skin start to heat up.

“Probably a good idea,” Chirrut said, trying to laugh, but his throat was tight. What was wrong with him? Chirrut moved over to the peg where his robes were hanging and he slid them over his shirt and pants.

“Chirrut,” Teli started, making no move for his own robes. “Perhaps if we’re done for the day, we could sit and talk? I’d like to get to know you better.”

Chirrut hesitated only a moment. He had been thinking of rushing off to find Baze, Baze had said he would be in the library all day so it would not be difficult to find him. Chirrut’s fingers tied his robes shut and let out a breath. Baze would almost certainly just run away when Chirrut found him. Better to spend time with a friend who wanted to be around you as opposed to a friend who did not. “Of course, Teli,” Chirrut said, turning and giving his new friend a smile. “I would love that.”

Teli sat against one of the walls and Chirrut moved to sit next to him, pulling his legs up under him. “Chirrut,” Teli said and his hands clasped in front of him, thumbs sliding over each other, fingers tapping on the backs of his hands. “I like you, Chirrut.”

Chirrut blinked, looking at Teli and giving him a smile. “I like you too, Teli. You are a good friend. One day you will make a good guardian.”

“No.” Teli’s voice was tight and had an edge that Chirrut believed was unexpected. “No, I mean… I mean more like in a romantic sense.” Teli swallowed against his words, hands clenching in front of him. “As in… sometimes I day dream about us kissing, or touching, despite how very un-monk like those thoughts are. You’re handsome, and very distracting.”

Chirrut’s chest got tight at those words, but he could not stop the laugh that erupted from him with those last words. “I will try to be less distracting in the future,” Chirrut said, covering his mouth as he laughed. The strained look on Teli’s face quickly sobered him though and he reached out, placing his hand on Teli’s arm. “Teli… your words flatter me, truly… but I cannot reciprocate your feelings, as much as I would like to.”

“Is it because of Baze Malbus?”

He wishes he could be surprised the question was asked, but Chirrut is not. He breathes in, breathes out. He counts in his head as he does before he nods. “Yes,” Chirrut said, looking at Teli, the smile he gives it weak but it is genuine. “Please don’t tell him that, but he already has my heart.”

The older boy nodded and leaned back against the wall. “I believed that was the case,” Teli said simply, running his bare feet over the floor. “I cannot say I’m not disappointed. I had been hoping I could be the one to snag you.” Chirrut laughed at that and shook his head before Teli asked, “What is it about Baze Malbus you like so much?”

“What is not to like?” Chirrut’s grin was back, his heart soaring as he thought of his friend. “He is good, and kind. He knows how much damage he can do so he puts extra effort into being gentle. He has always been there for me, even when I could not be there for myself.” If those last words confused Teli, he does not show it, so Chirrut continues, “I don’t have to explain myself to Baze. Things are uncomplicated with us; we can simply be ourselves and be happy with that. And best of all, he laughs at all my jokes, even the most terrible ones.” Chirrut’s cheeks hurt from maintaining such a wide grin, but this was his favorite subject after all.

Then there were all the physical things Chirrut loved. His expressive eyes and the softness of his hair. That ass that Chirrut unashamedly admired from afar. Yes, there were many reasons to love Baze Malbus.

“Does Baze know this?” Teli asked, drawing his knees to his chest. “It seems like anyone would be lucky to have someone who loves them as much as that.”

“No,” Chirrut said quickly, shaking his head and looking at his feet. “No I cannot do that. Baze is my best friend. It could ruin everything. That is not something I can risk.”

“Everything is as the Force wills it,” Teli gently reminded Chirrut. “You are right that telling him could ruin everything… but like the Force, things are not always that simple. There are two sides. Telling him could ruin everything, or it could make everything better.” Teli paused and then tilted his head. “I just told you that I like you, did I ruin everything?”

“What?” Chirrut asked, startled. “No, of course not! I am honored you would trust me with that confession.”

“Then perhaps Baze will feel the same way, even if he does not like you the same way.” Teli smiled and then stood up. “Will we continue our training? Same time tomorrow?”

Chirrut smiled and nodded, taking Teli’s offered hand as he reached down to help him up. “Of course. Same time tomorrow.” Chirrut paused and glanced around. He was not looking for anything specific, just trying to calm his suddenly racing heart. “I think I will… go find Baze.”

Teli’s smile was sad, but Chirrut knew Teli would find a way to heal. “Of course. May the Force guide you.”

“Thank you, Teli.” Chirrut smiled and then dashed away from the training room.

Baze was exactly where he said he was going to be, sitting in the library reading one of the largest books Chirrut had ever seen. Chirrut was sure Baze was not actually reading the book though. While his friend’s eyes were looking at the book, they did not twitch and move as they scanned over the words. Chirrut’s lips twitched up into a grin as he came up to Baze’s side and sat next to him, legs folding up. “Interesting read?” he asked, and laughed when Baze jumped in surprise.

“I don’t know how manage to do that,” Baze muttered and glanced over at Chirrut before turning back to the book quickly. “I thought you were training Teli today… You should not be done for another few hours…”

“We finished early,” Chirrut answered easily, pressing the palms of his hands into his knees and running them over the knobs and bumps there. “Teli and I got to talking… and he admitted that he liked me in a romantic sense, and-“ Baze’s shoulders went rigid at Chirrut’s words, snapping Chirrut from his thoughts. “Baze?” Chirrut placed his hand on Baze’s shoulder, giving it a small squeeze. “Are you alright, my friend?”

Baze shrugged out of his touch and shifted away from him. “So Teli finally told you?” Baze asked, ignoring Chirrut’s question. “It has been obvious from the beginning.”

“Has it?” Chirrut asked lightly, opened his mouth to speak but then Baze continued speaking.

“I suppose you’re coming to tell me that the two of you are going to start courting,” Baze muttered, and Chirrut had to school his face to calmness at Baze’s wording. He made it sound so formal and cold. “I suppose you will want to move into his room to spend more time with him…”

All Chirrut’s self-control could not stop him from laughing at that. “He just told me he likes me _today_ , Baze! Not even an hour ago! Do you really think I would just leave my bed and join him in his?”

“Out of the two of us,” Baze said simply, turning his body away from Chirrut’s and focusing more on the book, “you would be the most likely to do that.”

Chirrut sighed, reaching up and scrubbing his hands over his face, clicking his tongue. “You assume too much, my friend. For someone so clever and smart, you are dense.” When Chirrut lowered his hands, Baze was looking at him, eyebrows knitted together. “Teli did tell me he likes me, yes, but I did not say that I liked him. Unlike you, he figured out the reason why without me telling him.”

The furrows between Baze’s eyebrows deepened at that, and he turned cautiously towards Chirrut, one hand on the book and the other on his own knee, muscles tensed to run if needed. When Baze said nothing, Chirrut decided to continue.

“I told him that I cannot be with him because my heart belongs to another,” Chirrut finished, and his heart started fluttering in his chest. _I am one with the Force, the Force is with me_ , Chirrut thought to himself, taking a long breath to calm his erratic heart. “Though he does not know it. He is a little too _dense_ to figure it out.”

Chirrut saw the moment of realization, when Baze’s jaw dropped from his mouth and his eyes widened as he stared at Chirrut. “You… you…” Baze tried, but then his mouth snapped shut, tongue rolling his mouth as he thought. “You like me?”

Chirrut nodded, letting his cool demeanor cover for his excited heart, the anxiety rising against the back of his neck. “I do. No,” Chirrut suddenly said, going against his previous statement, “No, I don’t like you, I love you Baze. It would be a lie to say anything else.” Chirrut pushed to stand up, smoothing down his robes in a mask of calmness. “I will leave you to keep reading, and you can give me your ans-“

Chirrut never got to finish his statement, because Baze’s strong hands were on his arms and Baze was standing to loom over him, pressing his mouth awkwardly against Chirrut’s. Chirrut made an attempt to answer the kiss, but teeth clashed and their lips did not quite line up correctly and then it was over far too quickly. Chirrut would have time to be embarrassed about the noise that left his mouth _later_ when his brain was working again. Chirrut just wanted Baze’s lips back and he leaned forward against Baze’s chest.

“I love you too,” Baze whispered quietly against Chirrut’s desperate attempts to get back to kissing. Baze laughed as Chirrut’s arms wrapped around his neck and he leaned back against Chirrut’s attempts to get to him.

“Then kiss me again,” Chirrut said, sounding petulant and angry but not caring.

And then Baze did, and Chirrut felt himself melting into it in a way he did not expect.

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk to me at ShipArmada whenever you want!


End file.
